5.16.2005

You Are What You Drink


I overheard a couple friends talking about Veronica, a woman with whom they both socialize on the weekends. While all three women are attractive, bright, and outgoing, Veronica, has an inordinate amount of men ask for her number every time they frequent the local bar or club scene. In fact, according to my friends, Veronica almost never comes home without a new number. I was intrigued.

"What is it about Veronica," I asked "that makes men so attracted to her?"
"I don't know," replied Joanna. "She's just got that certain look--total sex appeal. Not to mention that she comes across as a low maintenance, easy and fun, sort of girl. I mean, she drinks Miller Light?"
"Miller Light?" I asked quizzically.
"Think about it," interjected Erica. "Miller Light is an inexpensive, simple sort of drink."
"And guys notice this?" I questioned, unsure if I really believed what I was hearing.

In reply, both women nodded with certainty. I was dumfounded. Do men really pay attention to such a little detail, when so often they miss the bigger picture? People do say that we are what we eat. Could it also be true that we are defined by what we drink?

After the conversation with Erica and Joanna, I couldn't help but notice the types of drinks my girlfriends were having and how these drinks seemed to relate to their general personalities. While we all, based on our mood, go for a different adult beverage now and then, our general and preferred drink does seem to say a lot about us as individuals. I decided to keep my theory to myself. But, one day Erica and Joanna started talking about Veronica again. My ears perked up.

"I can't believe that Veronica didn't even bother to call to say that she wasn't making it last night," griped Joanna.
"And can you believe she had the nerve to introduce her friend to my ex-boyfriend!" sighed Erica.
"It's awful! But you know the sad thing is?" continued Joanna. "I bet Veronica doesn't even realize what she's done wrong. She's so oblivious that way."

At this point, I just had to jump in to the conversation.

"That's because Veronica is a Miller Light girl," I piped in gleefully.
"What?" It was apparent that Erica and Joanna had forgotten our conversation weeks earlier.
"She's a Miller Light girl. Simple. A very simple girl." I said.

Erica and Joanna listened to and agreed with my adult beverage and personality theory. Then, we began to talk about other types of drinks and drinkers. Though not an exhaustive list, here is a synopsis of personality typecasting based on alcoholic beverages. Please note: These types do not apply to men.

Fanciful Martinis - Women who routinely drink Cosmos and martinis of a more fanciful variety tend to be the most complicated, high maintenance group of women. Like the drink, tasteful and in only the appropriate glass, fanciful martini women have a higher, almost unrealistic, set of standards in grooming and behavior when it comes to men. I count myself in this group, so it's a nonjudgmental observation.

Red Wines - Women who prefer to drink red wine can be described in two words: Simple sophistication. Deep thinking and serious, this group of women tend to commit themselves wholly and with great certainty to life's endeavors whether it be mountain biking, volunteering, or staying at home with the kids.

White Wines - Like their red wine counterparts, white wine drinkers tend to be sophisticated, but are not as willing to commit themselves as deeply or as vigorously as red wine drinkers. If a red wine woman will dive in the watering hole, the white wine woman sticks her toe in to test the waters first. And usually, the toe will be the only body part to get wet. Whether it be fear of commitment, a lack of trust in one's self, or the thought that something better might come along, white wine drinkers can come off just a little fickle.

Simple Liquor Cocktails (ex. Rum and Coke, vodka and cranberry, or anything neat) - Women who drink their liquors more traditionally with standard preps such as soda, tonic, or on the rocks, tend to be straight shooters and tell it like it is. Like the drink of choice, these women like their lives and men free from complication or entanglements.

Champagne and Sparking Wine - Women who prefer the bubbly tend to be bubbly themselves. These are diva women. But don't let the effervescent personality fool you. A Champaign woman is unapologetic, shrewd, and will typically get exactly what she wants. Champaign women are most likely to land the Donald Trump of boyfriends.

Shots (such as blow jobs, buttery nipples, etc.) - These are the down and dirty girls who wear their sexuality like a badge of honor. Always looking for the next great party, these women are truly the life of the partyĆ¢€”especially to men. However, like the drink that starts with a bang but ends quickly, the down and dirty girl is always left with a nagging feeling of wanting something more, as well as a very bad hangover.

But what does all this typecasting mean? Put a Cosmo woman, white wine woman, and Miller light woman together in a bar and who seems to be the most approachable to a man? Who is the one most likely to come home with that new number? There isn't any real data to back up the hypothesis that Veronica's Miller Light palate makes her more palatable. But if not the drink, what is it?? Just another one of life's great mysteries to ponder over your beverage of choice. Cheers and bottoms up!




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2 comments:

aka senior advisor said...

I guess I'm an SLC girl (Crown and Diet Coke in a tall glass, with a slice of lime) -- although my drink of choice displays a tinge of high-maintenance character. You are right on the money Diane: Like the drink of choice, [SLC] women like their lives and men free from complication or entanglements. The only problem...how to get rid of entanglements that have become overly complicated, a fact realized much too late! Any advice D.M.? Bon voyage -- drink some ouzo for me!

Anonymous said...

You put too much emphasis on the drink, though your typesets are very amusing. It is more complicated than that, probably coming down to accessibility and looks. There is no such thing as equally attractive women (we are incredibly good at discerning the better looking of two women). If you want more numbers then I would suggest making yourself easier to approach and talk to without going so far that you scare everyone off.

Good luck with your drinks!