Mirror, Mirror

Snow White's wicked stepmother counted on her magic mirror to provide the reassurance she needed. Daily, the stepmother faced her mirror and asked the same question.

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
And in reply the mirror faithfully answered, "Thou, O Queen, art the fairest of all."

The Queen was content because she knew the mirror could speak nothing but the truth. However, that feeling of contentment turned into blinding rage when Snow White entered the picture.

Suddenly the faithful, but honest mirror was singing a different tune.

"O Lady Queen, though fair ye be, Snow-White is fairer far to see."

The Queen's pride was hurt and in a jealous fit she asked a hunter to take fair Snow White into the woods and murder her. This way, the Queen would again be the fairest of them all. Even by my standards, the queen's measures seemed a little drastic. Have you ever heard of plastic surgery, Lady?

Here is the point. I don't have a magic mirror on my wall, and I'm not sure that I would want one. As I entered month two with Vin, the mirror that I hold up to myself in the wake of the relationship, reveals all sorts of warts and imperfections about my personality and character.

Vin, for all practical purposes is Snow White in my story. He's sweet, affectionate, laidback and patient. That leaves me to play the role of the wicked step mother. When compared to Vin, I'm high strung, impatient, fussy, and cranky. I would have never thought any of these adjectives described me, but at times they do. Although I do not like playing the antagonist in our relationship, I find myself in that role on more occasions than I care to admit.

It's always the little things that bring out the worst in my personality.

For example, Vin and I have problems because I get irritated when he physically shows attention and my mind is in other places. It never fails --I'll be whipping up a nice dinner when Vin grabs my ass or sneaks up behind me to hug me.

"Not now... I'm slicing tomatoes. I'll cut myself." I'll say as I move out of Vin's way. But Vin persists, and I grow angry.

"But, Honey. I'm only trying to show how I feel about you. Dinner can wait," he'll say as his hands wander over me.

Most women would love to have my problems. But, I can't help but be irritated. When I say no to his advances, I mean no. If I'm not in the mood for what he offers, even just hugs or kisses, I'm not in the mood. No amount of coaxing will change me.

I sort of have a one track mind--one that is very project-oriented in nature. When I set out to do something -- clean, cook, paint, work, or whatever it is-- that's where my focus is until he task is over. When I am in project-mode, I see everything else as a distraction, even when the distraction comes dark, attractive, affectionate package.

And even though, Vin worked tirelessly on my new house, I am ashamed to admit that find myself growing impatient because I've waited five days for him to hang two heavy wall hangings. As these pieces lay on my floor (one, ironically, is a large mirror), all I can think is that my house is "not finished" because they are not on the walls. Vin has probably completed 20 tasks for me, and I grow angry because of two not completed. Where is the logic in this?

I can't help but grow fearful and ask myself some tough questions. Am I destined to be alone because I will always drive people away? Am I unlovable?

In contrast, Vin almost never complains and tries to battle my "crankiness" with humor. Sometimes I see the frustration in his eyes, yet he won't express what he is feeling. I think he is afraid to acknowledge the fact that we might not be compatible or that our relationship could end someday. However, it could also be that Vin is an optimist. He believes that in time I will compromise and bend in my ways. But, I do not think that it is possible for people to fundamentally change who they are.

I had an ex-friend tell me one time that I only associate with people who told me what I wanted to hear or placated to my personality. I dismissed her viewpoint outright, but these days I'm beginning to wonder if she was right.

After spending a great deal of time reflecting in the mirror, I've come to a conclusion. Vin is a sweet, fine man and worthy of effort on my part. Maybe I can learn to relax and temper my impatient nature. If not, there is a bitter apple in my future and possibly seven, small angry men.