8.16.2006

Metrosexuals-- out??

Just recently, my boss broke disturbing news to me.

"Metrosexuals are out," he reported happily.

"What are you talking about?"

I thought for sure he must be mistaken. My boss never really took to the whole men waxing their eyebrow concept. I figured he was just trying to pull a fast one on me.

"I'm telling you the truth. Metrosexuals have been replaced by retrosexuals," he reiterated.

I'd never heard the term, but shuddered just the same. Suddenly, I had visions of middle-age, Studio 54 has-beens trying to resurrect polyester leisure suits. Were the Stetson After Shave gods trying to punish me for blowing off David Campbell back in the 9th grade?

As if he were reading my mind, my boss tried to clarify the image of a retrosexual. "They're more like guy's guys," he said as if this would reassure me.

Guy's guys? Like the ones who think seeing Nacho Libre is a multicultural experience? Are these the alpha-males who dare order Miller Light at a microbrewery or participate in public belching contests?? Nah. No way! After 5 seconds of contemplation I decided that retrosexuals, if accurately described by my boss, could not possibly be the new thing. I dismissed the notion outright.

But then this morning, watching my favorite metrosexual Matt Lauer on Today, I saw this. Usually I'm on top of the latest in social and cultural phenomena, but it seems that I have fallen behind the times. Retrosexuals really ARE the hot commodity .

But why? I don't see the appeal. After being unsuccessfully joined twice to manly men, I decided no more. In the aftermath of divorce, I overwhelmingly favored the more gentile and better groomed sort of man--one that often had more hair products than me, appreciated the bouquet of a fine Chianti, and understood why horizontal striped were the ultimately fashion don't. I mean, really, who could ask for anything more?

I finally understand my mother's confusion when she first saw Madonna writhing on MTV in a wedding dress singing "Like a Virgin" at the top of her lungs. While I understood we were witnessing the new pop icon, she only saw a classless bimbo who desperately needed to touch up her roots. "This is supposed to be good? What is it with you kids these days?" she asked. Rather than waste my effort and time trying to explain it to her, I preferred to think mom was just showing her age.

Now I find myself asking the very same questions with this whole retrosexual male concept. Rather than run out and stamp "old fashioned" on my bum or vow to name my first-born "Myrtle" I'm hoping that someone can explain it to me. In the meantime, I'm headed to the nail salon for a manicure and pedicure. There's a 2-for-1 special going on, and Max has asked me to join him.

6 comments:

Dan-E said...

all i can say is THANK GOD. i was never into that metrosexual thing (ok, maybe briefly, a few years ago, and for about 15 minutes.)

but as a hairy, bulky, and (after a game of footbal) definitely smelly, guy's guy who does occasionally belch but will never, ever order miller lite (sierra nevada please), find this "retrosexual" label kinda puzzling. these types of guys never really went away but everyone just chose to focus on that metro thing because it's a trendy word that's lasted its 15 minutes. (kinda like typing. with. periods. to. make. a. point.) retro isn't the latest hot commodity. just a few wannabe writers are trying to highlight an old subject.

and i know metro guys who can be just as domineering as guy's guys and vice versa. but anyway, i'm done. i'm gonna go back to watching sportscenter. right after i shave my back. (kidding. I already saw sportscenter.)

├ůsa said...

Diane! This is horrible news! May that trend never make it to Stockholm. After ten years in the US (and unfortunately not in NYC) I thought all the Swedish men where gay when I saw their nice close, washed and styled hair, good taste in music and food etc. It was a dream come true when I found out STRAIGHT Swedish (mostly Stockholm) men look like this! I would definitely not kick Vince out of my bed: but I’d take manicured nails over oil stained ones any day. If we are lucky: “retrosexual” will stay in the boonies.

running42k said...

Does this mean I need to stock up on Hi karate and Brut?

Myself I will continue to groom properly and keep myself in good shape. As far as fashion goes my wife buys all my clothes so I will follow her fashion sense, which tends to be pretty good.

TamWill said...

My husband has bushy eyebrows and gets them waxed on occasion.

He has mentioned having his arms and back shaved and I forbide it.

I guess I am old fashioned this way. I like a man with hair on his chest and stuff. And think they should only shave their face and neck. I know it is not the popular belief these days.

utenzi said...

I'm with Dan-E. The metrosexual thing is just too freaky for me. But it's good that you've latched onto Max now, Diane, before he goes for the new trend. Now you just have to keep the news from him else he might buy flannel and stop shaving...

KOM said...

Chuck Taylors and greasy white tee-shirts will always be "in-style". I don't think it's so much a resurgence of "retro-sexual", as a sharp decline in the short-lived "metro-" phenom.