Who let the dog out?

Mom, before you send me to my kennel for life, please hear me out.

You’ve left me no choice but to hijack Mac. Day in and day out, for hours on end, I lay at your feet while this strange, boring, white thing occupies prime real estate on your lap. I think you really need to examine your priorities in this matter. It’s not like Mac does anything for you. Can Mac fetch a ball? Does Mac ever come running to greet you in the morning? Seriously, I am tired of being overshadowed by this thing.

Now that I finally have your undivided attention, I’ve got a few bones to pick with you.

I didn’t think I’d ever forgive you for shaving off my golden locks. First, had it not been for my well-endowed ears, you could have mistaken me for she-who-will-remain-nameless, the lowly feline that also occupies my space. I mean, really, how could you? You had me shaved during cold, damp JANUARY, for goodness sake. I have important business to attend to outside. And, being furless during a German winter doesn’t make our walks together any more productive. Now that my hair is finally starting to come back, let me just say this: DON’T! Don’t ever think about having me shaved again. I won’t bear the humiliation without serious repercussions. Remember, you still have a few pairs of $120 dollar dance shoes that I haven’t destroyed.

We also need to discuss the food situation at home. Stop making me perform on command for treats. I’m not a circus animal; I’m your dog. After two years, I should have earned a little respect from you and dad. Dinner is a supposed to be a pleasurable experience and not the time for you to bark commands at me. It’s bad enough I have to eat dry bits of processed whatever, while you dine on real food. Do you honestly believe that bag of dry dog food actually tastes like lamb and rice? I have to eat that crap when all day long I’ve smelled what’s simmering in the crock-pot. Don’t think I don’t know what you and dad are having for dinner. And, by the way, stop chastising me for begging for your food. After all, if you were facing a lifetime a Science Diet, wouldn’t you beg for something else, too?

Lastly, mom, I think we need to re-think the seating arrangement in the Mini. When you strap me in the back seat, I feel claustrophobic. There isn’t enough leash to allow me to poke my nose out the window, and you know how much I love to do this. Besides, why do you and dad always get to ride in front seat? Look at me. I’m a classy, front-seat kind of dog, not Driving Miss Doggie. I think it’s time you took the back seat and left the driving to dad and me.

I know that you and dad say this in sarcastic jest, but sometimes it really is “hard to be Charlie.” By making the concessions I’ve outlined above, we’ll all be happier—and by "we" I mean me and those fancy dance shoes.

Think about it.


Monica said...

Seriously, all I can picture was Charlie talking to you (and Max) in a stearn voice, telling you this.

Thanks for making my morning by laughing my head off.


Sara said...

Charlie is adorable!

C's cocker, Kit, ate an entire ziploc bag of homemade venison jerky last week. We couldn't figure out why she was so thirsty she was willing to drink out of the toilet until I found the bag. With a big, doggie-sized hole in the side. Needless to say, I was unimpressed.

Charlotte said...

Little White Canine would like to invite Charlie to his house, please, where treats flow uninterruptedly just for being cute. Also, plates get licked clean in this house (not by the humans). Plus, he has offered to train Charlie how to manage the c*t--having lived with several of them in his lifetime, he has found a way to instill shock and awe.

Snooker said...

This is classic!

N. and I have said often that we would pay a fortune to know what the cat is thinking.

Thanks for the laugh.

Claire said...

What a cute post! Love it!


Shelly said...

Charlie is extremely handsome, I was going to say cute but thought he might be offended. I love the "dog speak"...that's what we call it around here. Hey...Liberty Post is calling for dog portraits for Pet Week on her blog...Charlie should head on over there!

Cowgirl Warrior said...

Great post, adorable dog!
I'm honored that you consider me to be inspiration for the weight loss thing.
Remember diets don't work, think of it as embracing a healthier lifestyle. :)

Rositta said...

LOL, gotta love that dog, he's got a great sense of humor...ciao

AmyD said...

Tee hee! SO CUTE!! And by cute, I mean Charlie AND you! :o) Good to see he is finally starting to grow some of that hair back.

Just in case, you might want to put those dancing shoes out of reach. You can never underestimate the power of a (nearly) naked dog... ;o)

Sarah said...

Ooh, Charlie sounds mad, Diane. You better behave!

Dianne said...

'Driving Miss Doggie' - LOL

charlie is a clever fellow and very handsome.

ms chica said...

I believe Charlie was been conspiring with Patches.

kenju said...

Charlie is adorable and you had better do everything he says!!

Josie said...

Very cute and funny.
Charlie is adorable.

And as mentioned by a few others, I would hide the shoes just to be safe.

Me said...

Charlie, buddy, sorry about those horrible living conditions. This is truly unlivable. THE Mini BACKSEAT. you have GOT to be kidding me.

Performing for food?


Your friend in suffering,

Fabulous Dog

running42k said...

That is quite the manifesto.

utenzi said...

It sounds to me like Charlie has things made in the shade--except for that nasty dog food. People food is a lot tastier.