Dog Eat Dog World

Please don't mistake me. I am an animal lover. Ok, not a lover, but I do like animals.

When my folks moved us from New Jersey to rural southwestern Virginia, my father went through what can only be described as 'The Old McDonald Syndrome'. Like Old McDonald, we had a farm. However, we never used or slaughtered any of our animals. They were family pets. At one point or another, our farm housed dogs, cats, cows, sheep, horses, chickens, peacocks, and African pigmy goats.

Maybe it is because of my long history with animals that people seek me out to pet sit. Or, maybe people seek me out because I am single and they assume I have no life. For whatever reason, Diane Mandy is the first choice of friends when leaving a precious pet poodle or parrot for a few days.

I just can't say no to a friend in need. I can't even say no to an acquaintance in need. As a result, I have a long, sordid history with pet sitting.

I should have known better when I first visited Princess's owner, a woman I hardly knew. I was introduced to Princess, a chocolate lab that no more than 11 months old. When the owner turned her back to Princess and walked away, the feisty lab bit her owner on the ass. Embarrassed and in a great deal of pain, the owner tried to explain away her dog's actions.

"Oh, she's just being friendly," she said with a nervous laugh.

I had my concerns, but there was no way I could back out gracefully at the last minute. So I took Princess home with me for the weekend. It was a nightmare.

I made sure never to turn my back on Princess in an effort to protect my own derrière. But, Princess found other ways to be a pain in my ass. For instance, I tried to take Princess on morning walks, but she'd literally lie in the street and refuse to move. What sort of lab doesn't want to move around a little? So as not to be late for work, I'd have to pick Princess up and carry her home. One night, Princess decided to eat a Brillo pad off my kitchen countertop. I had stay up all night with Princess to make sure the Brillo passed without incident. Princess passed the Brillo pad, and I promptly passed out from sleep deprivation.

Princess's antics could only be outdone by Cupcake, a Yorkshire terrier, who was left in my care for 7 long days after her owners went on an anniversary cruise. For Cupcake's emotional well being, the owners asked that I stay at their home. This way, Cupcake could relax in familiar surroundings. Being home alone with a complete stranger, however, was more than the terrier could bear. Cupcake was a nervous wreck and proceeded to chew the hair off both front legs and anywhere her teeth could reach. Imagine the owners surprise when they came home to discover their precious Yorkie had been transformed into a Chiwawa!!

The dog experiences were bad, but my bird experiences far surpassed. I never realized how loud and messy two parrots and a Cockatoo could be! Even though I kept the birds caged in a remote downstairs bathroom, I still found bird food strewn about the rest of the house for weeks later. The birds squeals could be heard through the walls of my home and into my neighbor's, who threatened to call animal control. It was at that moment I discovered a hidden weapon against the birds--dark sheets. I covered each of the bird cages to simulate the night. Before too long the birds were experiencing 20 hour evenings and I was finally enjoying some peace and quiet.

Quite honestly, I just don't know how Noah did it on that boat, paired up with all kinds of animals. After about two days of the work, noise, and stench, I would have jumped ship. 40 days and 40 nights couldn't be that bad, now could it?

My days as a pet-sitter are behind me. I won't even watch a stuffed animal anymore, unless of course, it's a mink or some other fur. In that case, I have a welcoming closet and a padded coat hanger just for the occasion! Who says I don't love animals? ;-)