Shaping up to Ship out

To: My Body
Fr: Diane Mandy


Hello, Belly. You and I have known each other a long time, sharing what can only be described as a love/hate relationship. There have been moments when our life together has been good, very good. For instance, I think back to those fabulous family dinners in Greece --the ones that went on for hours and hours. But, there were also those tasty times when it was just you and me, sharing a late night snack or a fine French Martini. Ah, yes! We've shared some very fine culinary moments. But, to be honest, these days I just feel like your crowding my space. I can't stand it any longer. Things are just a little too close for comfort, if you get my drift.

I've never been one to be good at breaking up. But, I just can't take this anymore. I'm calling it quits -- for good this time. I know I've said it before, but this time I mean business. It's either you or me. My place just isn't big enough for the both of us. Belly, you have to go.

Be warned, Butt. You may be the next in line. That's right, I'm thinking of booting the booty. The only reason you are being spared for now is that the new boyfriend sort of likes you. He's Latin, you know. Latinos have this thing about a bigger booty. Don't ask me why. If I had my way, I'd be throwing you out along with the old tummy.

Legs, you're fine. As always, I still like you. I'm noticing that there is one vein starting to show, but it's my own fault. I'm on the Feet way to much. You, dear Legs, shouldn't have to pay for the price of my indulgences. Fortunately, the vein can easily be covered up with a little help from spray-on pantyhose or a really good tan.

Breasts, your fabulous just as you are. After almost 38 year, you'd think the effects of gravity would be working overtime on you. Damn, that Newton! But to my amazement you still look as good as you did 10 and 15 years ago. Good going, girls. I'm proud of you. Why can't the Belly take a cue from you?

Arms, you still look ok, but are in need of some toning up. Just because sweater season is fast approaching is no reason to get lazy. You will be part of this self improvement plan, too.

So why is the my body being put on notice? Well, I have a 4-day salsa cruise to the Bahamas in November. I just realized that I have all of 58 days to get my ass in gear (pardon the pun). It's a cruise after all. I'll be living in my bathing suit by day, and wearing as skimpy attire as I can get away with by night.

Look, I know it might be hard for all of you understand where I am coming from, but rest assured. What I am saying and about to do is for your own good. And, I won't tolerate any whining from you, Mouth. You are going to have to cooperate to make this a success. It's time to shape up before we ship out. We have 58 days and counting!!!