Lady in Waiting

After a couple bad experiences, I promised myself a while back that I would not be one of THOSE women who parked themselves by the phone waiting for a certain someone to call. Nevertheless, here I sit on a perfectly lovely weekend day with my cell phone on and positioned right where I can grab it.

Oh, sure! I've tried to convince myself that I'm really not waiting. After all, my day is filled with things to do here at the house. I've got that somewhat belated fall cleaning scheduled for today. And, after I'm through vacuuming up the dust mites, I'll reward myself by doing my own home manicure and pedicure. "This is how I choose to spend my free weekend day," I tell myself. "I'm not waiting for anyone."

Liar.

Truth be told, I've already turned down two invitations on this day in the hopes that one particular invite comes my way. To make matters worse, I also exhibit all the signs of a lady in waiting. I checked my cell phone twice (ok, three times) to make sure that I didn't accidentally set it on 'silent'. Then, after I've checked for sound, I thoroughly reviewed my Inbox for any text messages I might have missed. "Damn, Cingular Wireless! I bet they are experiencing service difficulties again."

Pathetic.

There is nothing worse than that anxious feeling you get as the minutes tick by and your hopes begin to dim. How did I get in this position? Simply put, I allowed myself to hang hope on a veiled invitation, which was fraught with qualifiers and loopholes:

"So ASSUMING I get in town early enough, PROVIDED I'm feeling up to it and you are in the mood, PERHAPS I'll call, and then MAYBE we'll get together," he said.

"Sure," I answered excitedly. "That would be great!"

I might as well have offered to strip naked, spread honey over myself, and wait at the door until he could find the time to come and lick it off. Why not just hang a sign on my chest that reads "Desperate for a Date."

Knucklehead.

With two jobs and the occasional audition, I get too little free time as it is. Spending a prime weekend day sitting at home alone, when I could have been with my friends, is inexcusable. I need to love me more.

Obviously, a simple promise wasn't enough. Instead, I need to make some hard and fast rules to prevent this situation from reoccurring. These might seem a tad harsh, but here you have them.

Rule Number 1: Do not get excited by any request that includes if/when statements, or the words "maybe" or "perhaps." (If a man seems ambivalent about a date, assume he has another in the wings, hasn't come out of the closet, or a very small penis. Ok, I'm telling myself the last one just to make myself feel better right now.)

Rule Number 2: Never accept an invitation that is wholly unclear as to its purpose or is described as "getting together" and "hanging out". After all, we're out college now. (Note to self: Rethink the whole younger guy thing.)

Rule Number 3: Avoid even considering any invitation that does not come it a specific day and time attached to it. ( "Next week," "later," or "sometime" are usually the equivalent to "Unless I come up with something or someone better to do.")

Ok, I think this about covers any potential problems. Are there any other rules that I am missing? Suggestions are welcome and appreciated. I want to make sure this doesn't happen again.

I'm off to my kitchen now to whip up some major comfort food and a stiff drink. Then, I have a date with my jetted tub. Like a loyal friend, it's always there for me and salvages any spoiled day. And, for the record, I am switching my cell phone off. I'm a lady in waiting no longer.