“Are you excited?"
That’s it. Are you excited? The question seems innocuous enough to those of us who aren’t staring down the responsibilities of parenthood. But even so, I can understand why it isn’t. I relate to Egan’s plight because Max and I are facing our own consistent inquiry as the wedding day countdown slips into to the single digits.
“Are you nervous?”
I bet we're asked this question ten times a day. Every time I hear the words my face grows flushed. Perhaps I read too much into the intent, but, like Egan, the query perplexes me. If I had any reservation this commitment wasn’t right, I wouldn’t be getting married. If I had nagging doubts about Max’s or my own ability to follow through on our vows, I would not have accepted his proposal.
This lack of nerves must be unusual because some folks seem dissatisfied with my response. So just to be sure, they have decided to ask the same question over and over--whether it be a week later, the next day, or during a single conversation.
Q: “Whew! I can’t believe the wedding is less than two weeks away. Are you nervous?”
A. “Not at all.”
Q: “No?”
A: “Nope.”
Maybe if I were a first-time bride, maybe if we hadn’t lived together, I could understand the inquiries. But in this situation, all I really want to do is answer the question with a few of my own. Do you really think I should be? Would that be healthier? Would you feel better if I were nervous?
Or better yet, perhaps I should have a few, prepared, snarky comebacks instead? These would be reserved for those who just won’t take no for my answer.
Q: The wedding is only a few days away, are you nervous?
- Yes. Take my hands. Perhaps we could meditate on it?
- Not really. The mail order groom program has a money back guarantee.
- Nah. I got enough sedative in me to put down a horse.
- Maybe if I was marrying a toad like the one you ended up with…
- Not about the wedding, but definitely about my first time.
Sarcasm isn’t always my strong point, so feel free to add your own.
7 comments:
I love #2 and #5.. I'm so going to use those, when my time comes!
Sometimes you just have to be a bit dark and twisty... it keeps us and the others on their toes.
am i nervous? i don't know. are you a big, smelly litter box filled with poop?
why? are the sweat stains under my armpits that noticeable?
nervous? please. trying to choose between coke and pepsi? THAT made me nervous.
Jesus titty-fucking Christ that's a stupid question.
not as nervous as your mom the first time we had sex. (wait, that only works on guys. never mind)
honestly? i'm we're doing this just for the tax benefits. and did i tell you max's insurance throws in dental? aawwe-some!
i'm not nervous. i'm just shaking like this because i'm going through heroin withdraw.
more nervous than a porn star in the waiting room of an std clinic
more nervous than a palestinian at a barmitzvah
more nervous than a puppy in a korean restaurant
more nervous than the last two chicks left on "the bachelor." (am i right people?!)
more nervous that the first time i did it up the butt
more nervous than a waiter in south beach during memorial day weekend (you had to be there).
Ha, great topic eh? I love that you borrowed this idea for yourself as it relates to marriage. People really just don't have a clue sometimes. I love your potential answers and my favorite is the one about your first time. That ought to shut people up right away. How cool is this that it's so close. Very fun.
Can't top your comebacks. Use those and let us know how they turn out.
I like the ones from the nervous thing. #2, #4, #5... hillarious
Being nervous is normal on a first marriage but by the time you get to #3 you've had far too much practice to be nervous anymore. Just kidding! I bet there'll be a little "nervous" going on by the big day. It's just how our nervous systems react to big events.
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