5.10.2007

The Porn Critic

Today, Max and I went for another round of fertility testing. Only this time, we both gave up samples of our bodily fluid—a vile of blood from me, and from Max...well, you know.

We scheduled Max's semen analysis during our last visit to the fertility clinic, where the receptionist handed him a plastic specimen cup.

“What’s this for?” he asked.

“It’s for your semen,” the receptionist bluntly replied. “You can collect the sample at home and bring it in to the office within 30 minutes. Or, if you prefer, you can give us the sample here. We have a room with magazines and DVDs to help you along.”

Needless to say, Max opted for the latter.

Semen analysis might be a routine as having a cholesterol screening, but the collection process seems like it would be more fun. Not that I had first hand (pardon the pun) experience with it this morning. Alas, I was too busy having my veins drained with a needle, while Max got to preview porn on DVD. This hardly seems fair. But then again and in my limited experience, nothing about pregnancy and child rearing favors the woman. Why is this?

I thought about this inequity while I hung around the clinic lobby. Giving blood only took me a couple of minutes. But since we drove to the appointment together, I ended up having to wait for my ride. “No worries,” I thought to myself. “Max will only be a few.”

Twenty minutes later, he finally emerged with this strangely sheepish look on his face.

“All done?” I asked brightly, somehow resisting the urge to ask him what took so long.

“Yeah. Let’s get out of here.”

Far be it for me to pry into a man’s personal life, but I was curious to hear about Max’s experience.

Decked out with a Lazy boy recliner, small TV, and an ample supply of Playboy magazines, the room lacked only a six pack of beer to make it complete. Max looked around the room, spotted the DVD Hot Latin Lovers, and popped it in.

"How was it?” I asked.

“Terrible. It was the worst acting I have ever seen.” Max said.

“Acting? Who pays attention to acting? We’re talking lesbians not thespians, Max. Are you kidding me? Is that what took you so long?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at my guy. If any other man told me he had not enjoyed a porno, I would have scoffed at him. But Max is different. Not only does he not own porn (a little bit of a bummer to me), but also I knew that when Max spoke about the DVD, he did so in complete seriousness. Max studied film production, and was an acting and talent scout in a previous life. And even though it’s been years, to this day I barely enjoy network television with him by my side. It’s like watching a movie with Siskel and Ebert.

Max ended up turning off Hot Latin Lovers because he found it to be a bit of a turn off. Somehow and someway, he managed to complete the job, handing his plastic specimen glass to the lab assistant waiting outside.

After hearing his tale, I can only think one thing. Let’s hope that Max and I don’t have to go with in vitro fertilization to get pregnant. I mean, really, what are the chances we’ll be able to find a great porn flick that also has good acting?

9 comments:

kenju said...

I doubt that a film like that exists....LOL

Dan-E said...

at the fertility clinic, are you allowed to, uh, help him out while there? or is it a one occcupant per room deal?

jayfish said...

wait, he doesn't own any girly mags? not even a hidden victoria's secret?

...sears catalog?

mollymcmo said...

i didn't know you guys were thinking of having a child! best of luck on your journey :)
i'm stuck on the bad porn flick and wondering too if the acting was that bad are partners allowed to help the process along? lol!

m

utenzi said...

You could always use a more direct method of "sample collection" in which you ARE involved, Diane. That'll work every time.

egan said...

Twenty minutes? huh...

TamWill said...

I did not know that these rooms existed for this purpose. Hilarious indeed!

running42k said...

Very funny post.

Bluepaintred said...

after my husband got his little snip snip, they doc told him that to be really sure, he needed to make a "deposit" and have it checked for a sperm count.

He declined.

Its been three years and we havent gotten pregnant so i assume his snip worked. Added to that I had the ole tubes tied, we are pretty safe.

I hope you get pregnant easily! there is nothng i hate worse than knowing good people who want kids are not having them while I watch horrible parents with their dirty ragmuffins in tow