2.10.2009

So says the barren woman

Two months ago, I miscarried my second pregnancy within 6 months. It was a tough knock--a sadness that literally felt as if it was burning in my heart. I hurt deeply. Nevertheless, it was something I had to feel or else I might not have been able to move past it. And yes, I have moved past the loss. I did what I have always done in tough situations--picked myself up, dusted myself off, put a smile on my face, and moved on.

What else is there to do?

But sometimes I wonder whether there might be something wrong with me--that I am somehow in denial, too shallow, or don't want to be a mother as much as I think I would--because I don't seem to carry the weight of infertility like others friends, who find themselves in a similar circumstance and are haunted by it. I don't feel as though my life will have been less significant without the experience of motherhood. I am also confident that Max and I are, and would be, a happy and fulfilled family even if we never have children.

Don't misunderstand me. I know that being a parent is a life-changing, irreplaceable experience and one that I would like to have someday. But if motherhood doesn't happen for me, I do not feel as though I would be living an inferior life...just a different one.

Is this so shocking?

26 comments:

dawn said...

Is this shocking? No. It's wise and wonderful that you feel fulfilled, even if you can't have a child.

Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

GutsyWriter said...

I often envy friends who don't have the responsibilities of kids. As my Dad, 83 says, "You never quit worrying about them all your life."
I would like to have the freedom of doing Peace Corps work, let my husband not have to work in a stressful job so we can pay college for 3 kids, etc. We can't do what we really want to do, because of our kids. So there are pros and cons to both, as you know.

Sizzle said...

Not shocking at all.

I feel that way about getting married. And about having kids.

Jill said...

Nope - I don't think it's shocking either.

A very close girlfriend of mine, who's been married for 6 years now, has recently told me that she doesn't want kids... yet, she (and her husband) are absolutely fantastic with them, and would make the BEST parents. But she likes where her relationship is - and where it's going.

I think it's fantastic that you're able to get past the hurt of the miscarriage, and realize that life gives you what you can handle... and it's up to you to decide which path to take in your future.

meno said...

No, not shocking. It's accepting that not everyone has to be the same, have the same dream.

kenju said...

It isn't shocking. It shows a great deal of adultness (is that a word?) and an acceptance of what is (or might be). I think we should all try to be contented with our lot in life, whatever it may be. I hope it will happen for you, Diane, but if it doesn't - it isn't the end of the world.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Some people wax poetic about their losses.

Some are a bit more pragmatic. I prefer to be a little more on the pragmatic side.

It doesn't mean that you feel any less deeply, just differently.

Charlotte said...

Not shocking. Wonderful in a strange way, because you know yourself so well. Also, you are not looking for external fulfillment - you are already fulfilled. What a way to live!

oreneta said...

I absolutely agree. Having a child is wonderful, but it is not the apotheosis of a life, nor the living definition of having lived a good life. Excellent post.

egan said...

Nope, not shocking in the least after knowing you. I guess my question is why the "is this shocking?" tag at the end? Does it seem shocking in your mind that you're able to move on? We need more people with your outlook and not some greedy woman with 14 kids.

Connie said...

I love being a mom. But I also loved being half of a couple. Why should either period/aspect of my life be better than the other? I think you have a great way of looking at life... what is meant to be, will be. You have to be able to accept the good and bad times, the times that are as you want, and those that are what you wouldn't wish on an enemy. Do not regret the past, do not fear the future. Life is one day at a time... if you don't remember that, you'll miss out!

C N Heidelberg said...

I don't find it shocking and I agree with your perspective.
I think we always question ourselves, though, when we don't feel like we're fitting in with the way others deal with certain experiences.

Yelli said...

Your attitude about this "touchy" subject seems shockingly...healthy! I find myself always looking to your blog for sound logic...kudos to you!

Sue Jacquette said...

Listen, to know yourself and be true to it is the best way to live. Too often people have children to fill some other void in their lives and it's unfair to the kids. Good for you. Whichever direction your life takes you, as long as you are true to yourself, you will be fulfilled. Cheers!

V-Grrrl said...

I think it's complicated. You might have grieved differently or felt differently about it if your life were not so exciting right now. You have a lot to look forward to, a lot of challenges and new experiences on the horizon. If you were living a suburban life in America, your perspective might be different.

Grieving is personal. I lost a pregnancy and felt so emotionally fragile for a few months, but then I moved on. I have a niece who is young and has several children, but lost two pregnancies years apart. The pregnancies ended early, but she named the lost children, includes them in the mental picture she has of her family and grieves for them still.

Everyone is different...

Anonymous said...

I think some people really see procreation as their sole purpose in life or the thing that will save their marriage, and thus the burden of infertility for them is high. Max knew of your fibroids and you guys chose to be together as a couple, w/ or wo kids. You're in a good place and whatever is in God's plan for you will be.

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I, too, am infertile as I had an emergency hyst at 24 due to severe endometriosis - I never had kids but I don't feel less than as I have a wonderful life with my husband. I completely hear where you're comign from and understand think youre amazing for enduring so much hardship and coming out on top...

running42k said...

As a guy who was adopted and who has an adopted son, have you considered adoption?

Diane Mandy said...

42k - Yes, we are open to the idea of adoption and will be looking into it more seriously once we settle in Spain.

Jack said...

I don't find it shocking. I think that if you are comfortable with the outcome there is nothing to be concerned about.

To me one of the biggest challenges in life is being content. Those that have that are ahead of the game.

Charlotte said...

You have a full, well-adjusted life, so there's no "gap"--and those gaps, either in relationships or career prospects are the ones that needy parents often seek to fill with a child. So, yes, I'm joining the chorus of "nah, your 'tude is totally healthy, sista!"

And yeah, as much as I love my sweet wonderful little girl, wow, would I like to be able to go just for an afternoon windowshopping spree again ...

amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

yr living a wonderful life- it shows. I love the way you love yr life. It is not shocking- yr beautiful.

Ann said...

Not shocking at all.
It's life. You're living your life.
I wish I was there to share a bottle of wine and just talk and talk and, hopefully, laugh too.

(Maybe you should have a Virtual House-Warming party? :-> )

Jill said...

shocking? not at all, just refreshingly honest, wise and so healthy. the most honest thing that any of my aquaintances have said to me about having children was " my children are like a vital organ to me now, but it took having them for me to realize that i could have had a completely fulfilling life had i decided not to."

AmyB said...

I don't think it's shocking; I think it's healthy. You have so many other new and exciting things going on in your life that it doesn't surprise me that you might not have babymaking as your #1 "thing to obsess about" right now. And that's ok. If it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, as always, you amaze me with your healthy attitude and refreshingly positive approach to life!

patches said...

We all recover from adversity at different rates. It sounds as if you are well adjusted and prepared to accept life, come what may.