Solitary confinement?

"Have you ever had the measles?" This was one of the first questions my doctor ever asked me.

"No. I don't think so," I replied. "But I a was vaccinated as a child."

I didn't give the matter another thought, until a recent blood test revealed that I am, in fact, NOT immune rubella-- typically a harmless virus that can cause terrible birth defects in fetuses of infected mothers.

You might not think this fact should cause me alarm. I mean, really, when was the last time you heard of someone getting measles? While it is true a successful vaccination program has almost eliminated the virus in the United States, rubella is still a problem in much of Europe. This past year, outbreaks occurred in numerous countries such as Austria, Spain, Switzerland, and Germany--including a case in April that involved 151 school children in a state bordering my own.

"You must avoid rubella," the doctor warned three times in our most recent phone call. To be honest, he sort of freaked me out.

How do avoid it? I've notified my closest friends and associates to raise awareness of my plight. My husband has been tested to make sure he is immune and cannot pass the virus to me. But do I need to go ever farther in my efforts? Do I cancel my trip to the United States and our cruise in the Carribbean out of fear of exposure? Do I avoid public gatherings--even stores and restaurants-- until the end of February when I hit 20 weeks, an important milestone in fetal development and when the risk to my unborn child goes down to almost nothing?

These are the questions I have for my doctor on Wednesday.

Mixed Bag Monday

Max and I just returned from the good doctor's office for my 7th week appointment. Using ultrasound, he saw "good progress" and a heartbeat with one of the two embryos. And while he says I can begin to feel optimistic I will have one baby, the possibility for two looks unlikely.

I'm happy and thankful for the good progress of one, but will not give up on the hope for twins. No, not just yet.

One very slow day at a time

I'm feeling a tad perturbed at my husband's employer today. We've known about his promotion and our move to Barcelona for three weeks now, but we still don't know about the benefits package details or even what Max's new salary might be. You heard me right. Max had to accept a job without really knowing if the compensation made the change and aggravation worth our while.

In some ways, benefits and salary don't matter. The notation on his resume and the wealth of experience he will gain cannot be valued. This is a good career move for Max. And, what is good for him is good for us. Still, we are suppose to be relocating to a different country in short two and a half months (3 weeks of which we will be away for the holidays). Yet, human resources hasn't even scheduled our house-hunting trip or given us any idea whether we will get a housing allowance. Max had to hand in our lease termination here in Germany without knowing what our new address will be. Moreover, I can't begin to start deciding what to pack and what store without having an idea of where we will land.

Basically, our life is in limbo. And frankly, I don't like the feeling. All Max and I can do is wait--for calls and letters from the company or for my next prenatal visit--to get a glimmer of insight into our immediate future. I find the time in between, void of any new information, absolutely suffocating.

Living life one day at a time--it's easier said than done. Any advice on how I might make this phase in my life a little less difficult?

Pretty amazing

First, thank you to everyone for your kind wishes and congratulations. As I am so very very far away from family and friends, you're support means the world to me.

Yesterdays surprise news finally sunk in at 4am this morning when I woke up out of a dead sleep and couldn't return to sound slumber. I have a hard time believing I could be a mother at all, let alone a mother of twins. When I let myself go there and visualize the reality of it, the images take my breath away--literally.

Max, on the other hand, is nothing but joyous, bursting into what I can only describe as some sort of "Walk Like and Egyptian dance" every time he thinks about our pregnancy. After all, this twin thing is all his doing, you know--a result of his super Egyptian, pharaohesque sperm.

Right now, aside from breast tenderness and a new penchant for afternoon naps, I feel great and would hardly believe I was pregnant if it weren't for the successive ultrasound images posted on my refrigerator. All I can say is we're feeling a certain sense of happy bemusement at it all, which has even seemed to lighten the serious demeanor of my doctor. When he saw the images on the ultrasound, all he could do was smile and say "life can be pretty amazing."

Pretty amazing, indeed.

Of course, all the caveats still exist. It's early. I'm high risk and, now, only higher. Some might think I should not reveal the secrets of my pregnancy so early, especially when the potential for problems is so great. But I find being open here, in this little space, with you a cathartic experience. And who knows? Maybe all of this--my diary of expat life, fertility challenges, and pregnancy-- might actually benefit someone someday. Especially after my first miscarriage, I also realized there is no shame in losing a pregnancy. It's no ones fault and, with the exception of purposeful or reckless behavior, totally out of the realm of human control.

I know the challenges and risk ahead. Trust me, I do. But for today, I choose to revel in the fact that I am the mother-to-be of two. And no matter, that's a pretty terrific thing.

1 +1 =

TWINS!

Folks, seriously, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Hope +1 Despair -0

Despite my doctors gloomy disposition during our last visit, my test results were good. We're still being very cautious, and I am seeing the doctor again Monday for another ultrasound. Keep those hopes pouring in! It seems to have helped me tremendously.

I'm off to Thessaloniki, Greece tomorrow to visit my aged aunt an uncle. Now my dilemma is to try to somehow keep my secret from them even though I won't be eating gobs of Feta or drinking any ouzo. How am I suppose to explain this bizarre change in my behavior. Suggestions?

Untitled

Today isn't a good day. I feel anxious and overwhelmed, burdened by this little secret, which I dreamed would be a source of joy and happiness, but instead has turned into a source of fear and frustration.

You might be able to guess what occupies my mind and heart --a positive pregnancy test last week, followed by a trip to see Dr. Sych's today. I had hoped I'd walk out of the good doctor's office happy and confident, but instead I feel gloomy and doubtful. I'm not saying all hope is lost that the tiny speck on the ultrasound won't turn into something magical, but my checkered fertility history and a lack of physical symptoms tell me fulfillment is unlikely. Even my doctor warned not to be too hopeful, but I can't help but hope we're both being cautious and doubtful for no reason.

About 36 hours from now, blood test results will provide clues and offer me either despair or reassurance. In the meantime, I ask for your positive and hopeful vibes on this day. I could sure use the boost.

A heavy heart

Today’s ultrasound didn’t look promising. The doctor says he had hoped the exam would have shown more progress in the last week. And although he claims all hope is not lost, this is not a good sign. He has asked me to come back for another blood test on Monday to check my levels again, but it will probably be Wednesday before we get the results.

Unfortunately, Max is away in Brazil until next Thursday, and I had to share this unhappy development with him over the phone. We are both sad and anxious, but also realize this is completely out of our control. It’s certainly a hard pill to swallow, but we will get through this—whatever happens.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes over the last few days. Rest assured, I am doing fine. You’re a wonderfully supportive community and it helps that I can share both my ups and downs with you.