Showing posts with label :-(. Show all posts
Showing posts with label :-(. Show all posts
12.03.2008
The post I didn't want to write
My doctor could no longer detect a heartbeat today. It appears I've lost another pregnancy. What else is there to say?
11.11.2008
Untitled
Today isn't a good day. I feel anxious and overwhelmed, burdened by this little secret, which I dreamed would be a source of joy and happiness, but instead has turned into a source of fear and frustration.
You might be able to guess what occupies my mind and heart --a positive pregnancy test last week, followed by a trip to see Dr. Sych's today. I had hoped I'd walk out of the good doctor's office happy and confident, but instead I feel gloomy and doubtful. I'm not saying all hope is lost that the tiny speck on the ultrasound won't turn into something magical, but my checkered fertility history and a lack of physical symptoms tell me fulfillment is unlikely. Even my doctor warned not to be too hopeful, but I can't help but hope we're both being cautious and doubtful for no reason.
About 36 hours from now, blood test results will provide clues and offer me either despair or reassurance. In the meantime, I ask for your positive and hopeful vibes on this day. I could sure use the boost.
You might be able to guess what occupies my mind and heart --a positive pregnancy test last week, followed by a trip to see Dr. Sych's today. I had hoped I'd walk out of the good doctor's office happy and confident, but instead I feel gloomy and doubtful. I'm not saying all hope is lost that the tiny speck on the ultrasound won't turn into something magical, but my checkered fertility history and a lack of physical symptoms tell me fulfillment is unlikely. Even my doctor warned not to be too hopeful, but I can't help but hope we're both being cautious and doubtful for no reason.
About 36 hours from now, blood test results will provide clues and offer me either despair or reassurance. In the meantime, I ask for your positive and hopeful vibes on this day. I could sure use the boost.
4.29.2008
I wish I had happy news to report. My blood tests came back today and the results confirmed the Dr. Sych’s fears. My HCG levels are too low to support the pregnancy. The doctor and I will meet tomorrow for a final ultrasound and to talk about the next steps.
I probably will not write any more on this topic after today. I need to accept this reality, privately grieve the loss, and move on with life as quickly as possible.
I have carried this baby only five weeks, and knew about the pregnancy for only two. And yet, I had my heart fully vested. I cannot imagine how women feel when they miscarry late into their first trimester or even longer. I also wonder how women endure multiple miscarriages because I’m not sure I could do this again.
Thankfully, my husband returns home on Thursday morning. Then Friday, Max and I have decided to go on a little getaway to Strasbourg, a picturesque city in France. It’s fool hearty to believe a brief respite will take away the sorrow we are both feeling, but it will be a nice reminder that, no matter, we still and always will have each other.
I probably will not write any more on this topic after today. I need to accept this reality, privately grieve the loss, and move on with life as quickly as possible.
I have carried this baby only five weeks, and knew about the pregnancy for only two. And yet, I had my heart fully vested. I cannot imagine how women feel when they miscarry late into their first trimester or even longer. I also wonder how women endure multiple miscarriages because I’m not sure I could do this again.
Thankfully, my husband returns home on Thursday morning. Then Friday, Max and I have decided to go on a little getaway to Strasbourg, a picturesque city in France. It’s fool hearty to believe a brief respite will take away the sorrow we are both feeling, but it will be a nice reminder that, no matter, we still and always will have each other.
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